Planes, Trains and Automobiles

Every day for the past year I've taken the same 7:10am bus to work. A 30 minute chance to gather myself for the battle ahead. Of course I don't share in this journey alone. There are about 50 other hardy souls who trip the light fantastic with me. Come rain, shine, snow, and ice. 50 condemned souls, each with their unique quirks and traits, which I've come to know and love. First up, there's Buddha. A fitting enough description which requires no further physical discussion. Where Buddha comes from, and where he goes to, is a mystery to most of us. He's always on the bus when it arrives, and always still on it when I get off. Maybe he's just always been there. Buddha lives in the single front seat, next to the driver. Dame Edna sunglasses always in place, headphones plugged into the overhead radio socket. The only sign of life from Buddha comes as we pass the 70kph speed sign, 20 minutes into our journey. At precisely that moment, Buddha removes his headphones and stows them into his jacket pocket. Why , and why then, who could say. Aside for that ritual, it wouldn't take too much to have Buddha declared legally dead. Scalp Scratcher is an interesting character. Well, maybe not so interesting, as he has only one visible trait. Scalp scratching. What impresses me about SS is that, after a 30 minute trip, 5 days a week, 50 weeks a year, there is still no sign of any bleeding. I'm convinced that he must surely have scratched his way down to bone by now. On the positive side, SS usually has a seat all to himself. Not a lot of people choose to sit behind him either. Whatever he's selling, we're not buying. Girlfriend is the unwitting clown of the troupe. GF has possibly discovered the speed dating of the future. Bus dating. The exciting part is to try and predetermine who her next candidate will be. The victim usually tries to fight GF off for a couple of weeks, before resigning himself to his fate and either taking an earlier bus, choosing to walk the 50km to town, or leaving the country. Either way, we never see them again. We only hope that they have found peace somewhere. Chaos Woman is my absolute favourite. My bus route has 6 "pick up" stops. ( I think that's where GF's confusion stems from ) I get on at stop number 3. Chaos Woman must live upstream from me, as some days she is already seated by the time I get on. This, however, is a rarity. Like GF, CW brings the element of chance and excitement into an otherwise dull and dreary early morning. Like being part of a crowd scene role in an Indiana Jones movie. You see, CW doesn't often make it to those early stops. Some days you'll see her in the distance, glasses tilted, hair to the winds. Legging it down the street like Flo Jo. The bus straining at the seams trying to keep pace with her as the approach the bus stop. It's a photo finish, but she makes it. Just. Some days there's no CW. Then the fun begins. Money changing hands over which of the remaining 3 bus stops CW will make it to. We start keeping an eye out for that silver Saab, cornering on 2 wheels. Driven by CW's husband, who is being whipped along from the passenger's seat like a chariot horse in Ben Hur. Some days it's Stop 4, some days the car has collapsed from exhaustion beside Stop 5. Once we pass Stop 5, the game is on. That silver Saab takes on a life of it's on. Like Seabiscuit round the final bend, it slowly draws alongside of the bus. Creeping agonisingly slowly past, it's a race like no other. The first to make it to Stop 6 basks in the glory of victory. There is no second prize. Some days there's no CW. On those days we all pause for a while, and take a moment to give thanks. To give thanks that we are not a witness to the atmosphere inside that silver Saab right now. Somewhere out there there's probably a blog about a perverted, bus riding, peeping tom, Kiwi.

Travel Etiquette

When taking public transport, watch out for the seat hoggers. There are two varieties of these. They are a curse on society, and both are to be tormented at any and every opportunity. The first group will take the seat nearest to the aisle, placing any bag that they may have, or jacket, on the window seat. Ensuring that no one can sit next to them. They are further distinguishable by the fact that they immediately fasten their seatbelt and tighten it with such vigour that they are expecting the bus to enter light speed at any moment. They are intensely serious people, staring straight ahead, and will avoid any and all eye conctact. They know they are wrong, but you'll have to pry that empty seat from their cold dead hand. The second variety are less of a challenged, but still require an education in manners. This group also place their belongings on the spare seat, but with themselves in the window seat. They really don't want anyone sitting next to them, but they feel guilty about it as well. Generally you find them staring out the window when you arrive alongside ( or pretending to be asleep ), hoping, praying, that you'll move pass them. Don't. Not under any circumstances. Stand up to these seat bullies. One crisp, sharp "URSÄKTA" is usually enough to put the fear of their parents into them. In a sufficiently loud voice so that they know the rest of the bus is now watching them. Daring them. Even if there are other empty seats on the bus, target these leaches of society. And when you do force them into submission, be sure to take up more than your share of the seat. Just because. They obviously have learnt nothing of manners, so it's time to fight fire with fire. And you'll earn the undying adoration of your fellow passengers.

Reasons to be Cheerful

Ok, so this is probably about the third time this has happened in the past 2 weeks. Someone is going to get a smack shortly. Every day I take the 7am bus from my hometown to the city where I work. There are 3 buses that arrive at my bus stop at exactly the same time, every day. They all have big "can't miss" signs on the front saying where they are going to. The first to arrive says "university", the second says "hospital", and the third says " direct to city". So I'm waiting at the bus stop, with a group of people. And you know how it is, you can just tell when someone is likely to be a problem. They have this air of eagerness and excitement about them, which translates into not having a clue in the world. About anything. The 3 buses roll into view, in their usual order. The problem with my bus stop is that there's only space for 2 buses at one time. So if there is a third bus, it has to wait back. Not usually a problem because nearly everyone uses a prepaid bus card, so it doesn't take long to load and move off. Not today. I spotted these three hopefuls, gleefully lining up for the first bus. Which had a huge yellow "university" sign scrawled right across the front. They were the first 3 of about 10 people lined up for that bus. After about 2 minues, with everyone else still waiting outside, the 3 pile off the bus again. Clearly they only discovered that the bus was going to the university when they went to pay the driver. And clearly that wasn't where they wanted to go to. They wander down to the second bus, labelled "hospital". Stare at it for some time, then step away from the queue of people trying to get on. The University bus has now finally left, but the "city direct" bus is now stuck behind the university bus, and isn't going anwhere. So the rest of us just generally mill around, waiting. Finally our bus gets a spot at the kerb. The 3 wandering gypsies seize the day and spring to the kerb, ensuring they are the first to get onto the bus. I'm about 6th back in the queue. You can picture my delight when I hear the first person say to the driver, "we would all like to got to the hospital, please". "the hospital ?", "yes please", "the same hospital that the bus with HOSPITAL written all over it goes to ?", "yup, that's the one", "like the bus that's just left ?", "yes, to the hospital", "then, you'll need to take the hospital bus", "not this one ?", "no, not this one". Ah yes, there's nothing that sets the mood for the day better than enjoying a 15 minute performance of the Court Jester and the Village Idiots. Again.

But wait, there's more !

At first I thought this was just my wife. Whom I love and cherish, I should point out. We're about to head out somewhere. We've written a list. We've packed everything on the list. We've packed a few more things that we had forgotten to put on the list. We've put everything in the car. We've come back into the house. We stand in the middle of the hall. Is that everything ? Yes. Are you sure ? Yes. What about.... ? No, I don't need that. Are you sure ? Yes. Really? Because we have to leave now. Yes. Ok, we're leaving now, nothing else ? No. We lock the house. We get into the car. We drive, maybe a metre. Wait ! Just one thing!! Bit of a raw nerve, this one. But then, I started looking around. And this all seems to be perfectly normal. This morning I watched a woman get on to the bus. She was about 6th in the queue. She waited until she was right with the driver. Then put down her bags and started looking for her purse. Found her bus card in her purse after about 2 minutes and swipped it through. Then proceeded to pack everything up again. Only another 6 people waiting to get onto the bus. She takes about 3 steps. Just enough to excite the next person, who had given up any hope of ever getting onto the bus. She stops, turns around and goes back to the driver. Why ? To top up her bus card. Which of course involved the mandatory unloading and loading of all her bags again. Sheeeesuss !!!! You had 10 minutes to wait for the bus. You had another 2 minutes while the people in front of you found all their bus tickets. One at a time. And now, NOW, you start to think about what you might want to do. How about wanting me to get to my job some time today ? How about wanting that to happen ? Supermarkets, banks, buses, there's a plague of panic and indecision. Maybe it's genetic. Maybe there's something in the water. Maybe it's a government conspiracy designed to keep the masses confused. Maybe I should just get drunk more often.