I've been following the progress of an acquaintance couple of mine who has gone through the same immigration/relocation process as myself. Over my 5 years as an immigrant, I've learnt that immigration isn't for everyone. For the first year or so I was pretty much convinced that it wasn't for me. But giving it time and learning to accept my own personal role in the process, I've found myself at home. I think that acknowledging your own actions, and being prepared to modifying your behaviour, is the key. It doesn't automatically mean that you are lowering your standards, or selling out your beliefs. Sometimes we have bad habits which we don't see ourselves until a time of crisis. Ridding yourself of those unhealthy traits is rather liberating. I felt pretty bad about the way I had been behaving in the past (which I thought was just fine at the time) but also felt really good about the person I had been able to become. A better person for myself, and for those people around me. It was a really tough lesson to learn, and I would rather have learnt it without the stress and grief, but I'm glad that I was able to go through it and come out the other side intact.
It's really tough being an immigrant, no matter what the country. Swedes will tell you that it's easy in Sweden. Sure it's easier than other countries, but that doesn't make it easy. I could have said that we were going back to New Zealand, and my wife will have followed with me. But that is wrong on two fronts. Firstly, I would be going back to New Zealand not because it was a better place to live, but because it was easier for me personally. I could go back to not having a care in the world. A purely selfish reason. Secondly, I would be asking my wife to give up her home, everything she knew, and follow me to some place strange. She would move, not because she had a burning desire to live in my home country, but because she wanted me to be happy. Now, I had already done that, so why shouldn't she ? Fair point. But I had also already experienced how bad it can feel to be an immigrant. People are nice and all that, but you're still different to everyone else. Knowing that would happen to her, did I have the right to force my wife into a similar situation ? Swedes are not like many English origin people. They don't complain like we do and we often mistakingly interpret their lack of complaint to be a voice of approval. That was ultimately my answer. Just because I had it tough, that was no reason to subject someone else to those same conditions. To do so would say something about me as a person which I didn't find very comfortable.
I have 2 married friends who finally divorced after about 15 years of marriage. Really, they should have divorced after 2 or 3 years as one of the partners was very clearly unhappy in the relationship. The other partner was obviously aware of the problem, but decided to fix everything through the time honoured tradition of buying stuff and therefore buying loyalty. And each time he bought them a couple of years. First sign of trouble, they got a new car, then they got a dog. Next they bought a house, that's good to lock someone into a relationship for a few years at least. Things got a bit shaky again, a few holidays to the islands. A couple of more new cars followed and then, in a final act of desperation, another brand new house. In fairness, the new house bought them another 5 years, but it was always only a matter of time.
The acquaintance couple I spoke of are in a similar situation. One is as happy as a pig in mud in their home environment, while the other is clearly miserable in a place where they would rather be somewhere else. There's already been the car and the pet. Now the house has lept out of nowhere, binding them both to a situation where only one person is truely benefiting. It has all the hallmarks of a train slowly derailing. It's great to have someone to love, but not at the expense of losing yourself along the way. I had to learn that lesson the hard way in a previous life. You will always find a new partner but there will only ever be one of you.
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