"Sorry seems to be the hardest word"

I grew up in a country which has/had a pretty open workplace culture. I learnt over the years to separate out work from personalities  both when speaking in the workplace, and when being spoken to. It wasn't a naturally acquired skill, it is natural for us to take criticism personally unless we know differently. I learnt to understand context. After 20+ years of work experience in such an environment, it became automatic for me. I never hesitated to hand out praise or critique but I also learnt the correct method of delivery so that the receiver would know that the discussion didn't involve any form of personal issues.

 

When I moved to Sweden, I made several mistakes in my interactions with people based, naturally enough, on the only previous experience I had known. As a result, I offended the odd person and partially burned several bridges. I was expecting that Swedish people would behave like NZ people. Not a totally unreasonable assumption but a wrong assumption. So I've learnt something as well.

 

The general reaction when offending a person in Sweden, and I'm speaking now the the benefit of numorous experiences, is quite different to the reaction from a person from a native English speaking country. If you criticise a NZer, 9 times out of 10 they will either agree with you, defend their stance, or tell you to piss off and stop being an idiot. In either case, you generally end up with the matter being closed, and everyone moves on as before. Not so when dealing with a Swede.

 

As has been well documented, the average Swede is not comfortable with conflict and will do anything to avoid a conflict situation. It is very rare to be challenged by a Swede. Occasionally you'll meet a testosterone fuelled Finn who thinks that he is up for the challenge, but they are really just Swedes in disguise and fold pretty quickly. No, most Swedes choose not to rise to the occasion and instead take the critique as a personal attack, stored away in silence and inner festering anger. That's just the way of people and you can't really change that.

 

Now, coming from a dominant society into a submisssion society can have its benefits. If you are the only dog in the fight then you can forget after a while about not having a viable opponent. With no one to challenge you, its a free shot every time. If you are not careful, pretty soon you've turned yourself into a bully. Not with any malicious forethought but, without those opposing stances, it is easy to forget about respecting other people. I found myself turning into exactly the type of person I hate, a workplace bully. I wasn't going around smaking people, but I wasn't always being as polite or friendly as I would normally expect of myself. When I found out that I had been given the nickname of "Arga Snickaren" (the Swedish personality equivalent of Gordon Ramsay) by my work colleagues, I figured it was time to make a few changes around the place.

 

Exactly how I could remedy the situation in a Swedish fashion took some pondering over. I couldn't just start being nicer. It is a bit more complicated than that. Swedes never forget, and they don't move on. So I would have to confront the elephant in the room, head on. My solution is a bit extreme, but I think suits the situation. What I do is to take a bit of time each evening to reflect honestly on my day. I go through my contact with my work colleague and assess the interaction. If I think that I have behaved poorly (and I usually have) then I write down what I said, when I said it, and who I said it to. Then I address the next point, until I have gotten through the entire work day. At the end, I have what I call my Apology List.

 

The next morning I arrive into work with list in hand. Before I even start working I go round each person on the list, remind them of what happened the previous day, and apologise for my actions. Can take quite a while to get around the whole list same days. Anyway, by the time I am done, all bad deeds from the previous day have been dealt with and laid to rest. Then we reset the clock to zero and start all over again. Aside from generally trying to be nicer, I do make an effort to ensure that no one person makes the list 2 days in a row. My immediate boss is the exception to that rule, but I have explained to him that I have compiled a special list just for him.

 

Life has become a lot easier now with my Ursäktslista. As an unexpected bi-product of the process, I often end up on the plus side of things. Swedes are quite uncomfortable with having people apologise to them and they try to play down the situation in order that I will feel better. The result is that they often end up apologising to me for causing me to be annoyed in the first place. Its a Win/Win for me.