Dealing with language Kings

Meeting a new Swede for the first time and engaging in conversation in Swedish is probably the scariest thing that we as immigrants face on a daily basis. Unless you physically look different to a Swede, they are expecting you to sound like a Swede. That's nothing Swedish, we would all make the same assumption. The problem is that as an adult immigrant, you will never sound exactly like a Swede. That is a physical thing and has something to with your vocal bones being set fast into a certain position once you become an adult, based around the sounds that you made as you were growing up. That is why child immigrants are able to pick up local accents quickly and can lose their birth country accent. We adults, well, we're pretty much stuffed.

 

Speaking Swedish to a Swede seems to follow pretty much a set pattern. When you first open your mouth and say something, there comes a pause. That pause, for me, feels like an eternity. At the same time you will see a look of confusion, combined with a dash of fear and panic, appear on the face of the Swede you are addressing. " Yeah, didn't see that one coming, did you ? ", you feel like saying.

 

The next stage will often involve the Swede immediately looking for an escape plan. If you are with another person, they will usually turn their attention directly to your companion. As they were expecting a completely different sound, they likely missed a lot of what you were saying and now don't quite know what to do. I have two words of advice for this key moment. Firstly, your companion is not to say a word. They also know exactly what has happened, of course. They probably want to help the situation and first instinct is to hop in and do a translation of what you have just said. Kind sentiments but all they have done is to show the other person that you are not capable. So make sure that they butt out unless you decide that you need them. The other piece of advice is to plan carefully for your opening statement. You can fumble and mumble as much as you like, later on in the conversation, but that initial sentence has to be as clear and concise as you can. Shorten it up so that the recipient has a fighting chance of at least picking up the key points. It's going to be a mess either way, the best you can do is to try and minimise the damage.

 

With the first exchange out of the way, there is a period where you begin to teach the other person about your way of speaking Swedish, and when the other person tunes themselves into your way of speaking. This can take a few minutes and involves a bit of a fishing expedition on your part. Throw different sized conversation portions out there to see how much they can handle. You have to build up their development gradually, but they usually get there in the end. Try to get too complicated in the middle and you will have to start over again from scratch. Of course it is a 2 way street. I have to try and adjust my brain to understand this new person but I do have an advantage as I came to the meeting already knowing that. They are going to need more time than you need.

 

Finally you will reach a point where you have established the Swede's ability to adapt to you and to understand you. This level will vary from person to person, some are simply incapable. Now you are on a level playing field and you now take on the additional role as match referee. When they realise that English is your native tongue, quite a few will try and switch the conversation language over the English. Ok, that's easier for you, but now it is them calling the shots and it is usually only for their amusement. And we're not having that. At least I am not. If one tries it on me now, I ignore the change completely and continue with Swedish. Sometimes this battle of wills can go for quite a while and it can be rather funny seeing the looks of confusion grow on the faces of other people in the room with my bumbling Swedish and their bumbling English. I am rather pleased to say however, that I have yet to lose a battle. Every time without fail the conversation has moved ultimately back to Swedish. And so it should. If I have chosen to start a conversation with a Swede in Swedish then I think that my choice should be respected. Sure, it sounds like crap, but I can also guarantee that my level of English is going to be better than their level of English. So why should I be the one who has to listen to crap ? Fair is fair.

 

I remember one occasion when I was in a clothing store and spoke with a member of staff who, despite them clearly being Swedish, decided to speak English to me. I gave them every chance to change, by speaking only in Swedish to them. In the end, after several minutes, I asked them (in Swedish) why they were speaking English ? It is a game winning question, because the only honest answer they can give is one that would offend me. If there is one thing you can bet on, it is that Swedes will do anything to avoid obviously offending someone. So there is no answer they can give and the result is that they will almost without exception revert back to Swedish. Don't accept any bullshit excuse like "they wanting to practice their English". That's crap, they don't practice with each other. If they want me to help them with their English then they can ask me. Don't just dive in and expect me to play without asking first. That's just plain rude.

 

One time I had no alternative but to fight fire with fire. One dumbarse clearly thought that they were the Swedish champion of English. The thing to remember about having a second language is that you will very rarely beat anyone who has it as a first language. I had 40+ years living in a solely English speaking community, so it doesn't impress me a whole lot anymore to hear English. I've been there, done that. Anyway, despite being given every opportunity, this clown decided that he was going to show me that he was as English as they come. In the end I got so pissed off that I went Rogue English on him. When you learn a language in school or from television, you typically learn a nice calm and slightly sedated version. It is the same in Swedish language school, what you learn there are only the tools with which to learn real Swedish. Since leaving New Zealand, I have learnt that NZ spoken English is different to that in other countries. I had never considered that before. I thought that other English speaking countries were weird, but that we in New Zealand were perfectly understandable by all. The joys of living on an island. As it turns out, New Zealand spoken English is one of the hardest forms of the vocal language to follow. It is largely monotone, with very little mouth movement, and is incredibly fast. It is, in essence, the vocal opposite of Swedish. Back to the occasion in hand, I decided to speak to this Swede exactly as I would have spoken to another New Zealander. I may have even exaggerated the Kiwi dialect ever so slightly. In any case, the poor guy never knew what hit him and now was sitting in the middle of a conversation which he had started but now was completely lost in. After a quick machine gun burst I reverted back to Swedish and he happily followed suit. I have met the man several times since and we have never needed to go through that process again. I'm sure that he is just terrified of me now, but I'm happy and that's what is important.