Eye contact

Saturday was my brother-in-law's birthday. Usually it's difficult for us to get to celebrate these events unless they happen to fall on a weekend, as our weekday time is so limited. So it was great to have the chance to have a proper celebration.

 

Unlike most people, I have been blessed with great in-laws. In fact, with a couple of exceptions on both sides, I'd trade my in-laws over my birth family any day of the week. They have always been very welcoming and accepting of me. It can't have been easy having this strange guy show up whom they really knew nothing about. Usually when you meet someone you can find a little bit in common, geographically. Most often you both  know someone who lived down the street from someone else who went to school with one of your cousins. But I was a complete unknown whom no one could understand a word of.

 

What I appreciate the most about my brother-in-law is that he communicates directly with me. With a lot of people I meet in Sweden, that is not always the case. Many people will, given the chance, avoid direct eye contact with me when speaking to me. If it is straight one-on-one, then it isn't generally a problem. But, if I arrive with another person who is a native Swedish speaker, then the person speaking to me will often be looking at the Swedish speaker while talking to me. It is an obvious insecurity issue where they are unsure that I am understanding them and they are relying on my Swedish travelling partner to translate for me if needed. The more I have thought about it, the more common I realise it is. It works in reverse as well as the Swede I am talking to will often be glancing at my Swedish friend, even though they can understand me. I know they have understood me because they are typically able to reply without seeking clarification from my Swede. It's not just a Swedish thing, I know that I have reacted the same way in New Zealand previously.

 

Making eye contact with someone when speaking is a sign of security. It's something that was drummed very hard into us during the final level of my Swedish language studies. During our oral presentations we got penalised if we didn't make eye contact when we spoke. That's quite tough for me when I am speaking in Swedish and I have to constantly remind myself to look at people. It is partly because I am still unsure of my ability to be properly understood all of the time, and it is partly because my brain is trundling along in the background making sure that I am saying what I want to say correctly in Swedish. The result is that I am often staring aimlessly into space when I am speaking. I have to make an effort to focus on the person I am speaking with. I'm sure it will continue to get better over time.

 

Back to my brother-in-law. He is a few years older than me and had pretty much zero experience of communicating with non native Swedish speakers prior to me suddenly popping up. So I'm way out of his speaking and listening comfort zone. Yet he goes out of his way to focus directly at me and to make conversation even when he doesn't need to. When you have become used to people not making that effort, you notice it when someone does. And it means a lot when it happens.

 

My brother-in-law does a good party and I always know that I am going to do it tough the next day. I think that I'm getting better at it though, as this year was the first year that I didn't end the night by agreeing to go part shares in a retirement property in Nepal. I don't know how it is that we always end up there, but somehow it seems to be like the idea of the century at the time. Actually I know exactly how we end up at that point. As I said, he does a good party.