You're only as dumb as you think you are

Over the past few weeks I've been attending a series of meetings for a major construction project in one of Sweden's largest mines. As the sole representative of our company, as an immigrant within the company, and with such an important client, I'm painfully aware not to fuck this one up.

Although I'm reaonably comfortable with my technical knowledge, I continue to be worried that I'm not going to understand correctly what is being said, or what is being asked of me. My Swedish is still a bit "touch and go" at the best of times. And I don't want to go looking like a right twat by asking a really basic question which had been answered by someone else 5 minutes earlier. Early on in my Swedish working career my technical skill level was brought into question purely on the basis of my poor language skills. By the local office bully who has since moved on. It wasn't that I didn't understand the technique, I just didn't understand what he was saying. That totally unexpected judging of me did a lot of damage and probably left me feeling quite paranoid since. So I'm now a bit hesitant to ask something in case the same conclusion is drawn. I realise that's unlikely to happen, but just the same.

Anyway, there were a few things about the project, mostly administrative issues, that I didn't really understand. I had made a note of each of them as they came up, and I planned to figure out the answers myself over time before it became a problem.

Today I attended a meeting of a small "sub group" within the project team. Those of us working in the technical areas that impact on each other. There were just the 3 of us today. With none of the "Big Wigs" present at the meeting, I thought I would take the chance and "casually" thrown in the odd question and see if I could clear the mist just a little. One thing that worried me was the delivery requirements for the project. We had been shown a project time plan at the first meeting which seemed to be split into 2 sections. One went through to May, and the second part went from September through to November. I could figure out what I needed to have completed by November, but not a clue what I was expected to deliver in May. As casually as I could, I posed the question "So, what are you guys planning to submit at the end of May ?". And held my breath. Whatever their answer was, my planned response was going to be: "Yes. Me too".

Both of the men looked at me and replied "We don't know. We didn't understand what they wanted at the main project meeting".

I nearly burst out laughing with relief. Just to check that it wasn't just a one-off fluke, I tried out a couple more of the questions that I had. Not all at once, mind. But mingled in with the general conversation. To my shock I learned that the same things that I didn't understand, my Swedish colleagues also didn't understand.

I guess the lesson is that sometimes we can overthink situations. Here I am, so aware of my language weakness, that I automatically assume that it has to be the source for any confusion that I have. It never occured to me that it might have simply been a confusing situation and that language played no part in the confusion. I've become so used to being the person who understand the least. Today I felt good about being as dumb as everyone else. That was an improvement.